


romance is the douche of the bourgeoisie

by thunderylee



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Canon Universe, Friendship, Gen, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Baekhyun drags Junmyeon to San Francisco.





	romance is the douche of the bourgeoisie

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

The first thing Junmyeon learns about San Francisco is that the airport is right next to the bay. As in, the end of the runway is the coast.

“Where’s the land, the _land_!” he exclaims, grabbing onto Baekhyun’s arm. “We’re gonna land in the water!”

“We’re not gonna land in the water,” Baekhyun hisses as he tightens his hands on the armrests. He’s good with flying until the very end, when the landing gear pops out from beneath the plane and there’s nothing to do but wait for the inevitable impact.

Junmyeon, meanwhile, is a mess the entire time. Every little bump of turbulence has him bracing himself for a crash. “How do you know? You haven’t been here before either.”

The wheels hit the ground and they both gasp, Junmyeon’s nails digging into Baekhyun’s forearm at the pressure. Slowly they both exhale, nerves calming as the plane slows down and makes its way toward the gate.

Once they’re stopped, Baekhyun pushes up his sleeve. “You clawed me up, hyung! Are you a cat?”

Junmyeon meows in response and Baekhyun laughs as the other passengers start retrieving their carry-on bags. Baekhyun doesn’t even bother with his and Junmyeon bites back a comment about how spoiled he is in favor of the worried look in Baekhyun’s eye that has nothing to do with the flight.

They’re walking outside in northern California and Junmyeon still doesn’t know exactly why. Baekhyun had asked Junmyeon to accompany him in confidence a couple weeks ago and Junmyeon was so surprised that Baekhyun was being secretive about anything that he agreed without asking questions. He figured Baekhyun would tell him when he felt like it, but now it was getting to the point where Junmyeon would be walking right into a situation where he knew absolutely nothing.

That’s no different than his usual life, so he just lets Baekhyun lead him to the hotel shuttle in silence. Baekhyun had taken care of all of the travel arrangements, which was strange enough by itself. Junmyeon’s certain that he was an afterthought to a trip that was originally going to be made solo and wonders if it was out of loneliness or nervousness that he was invited along.

Baekhyun’s English is better than most, sweet-talking his way into an upgraded suite with two queen-sized beds. Junmyeon is confident that nobody at this hotel cares about EXO, so it was entirely based on Baekhyun’s charm. Sometimes Junmyeon thinks that Baekhyun could charm his way out of the rapture—if he wanted to.

Even after they’re settled in the room, Baekhyun’s not volunteering any information. It’s eight o’clock in the morning now, one hour before they left Hong Kong, which blows Junmyeon’s mind.

“It’s like the flight never _existed_ ,” he says.

“Time zones are confusing,” Baekhyun replies without looking up from the Waze app on his phone. “We’ll lose an entire day going home. Let’s go get crepes!”

“Crepes?” Junmyeon repeats, but Baekhyun’s already dragging him by the arm. He doesn’t let go all the way to Japantown, where he slows down to a civilized escort instead of power-walking with Junmyeon rushing to keep up.

Japantown is probably the worst place they could be with their upcoming Japan concerts, but Baekhyun has never really cared about fan shots. Junmyeon can already imagine the .gifs and slomo phone videos of “SuBaek’s date to San Francisco! ♥” He wonders if their manipulated wedding pictures will look as nice as Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s.

“This might actually be an orgasm in a paper cone,” Baekhyun comments about halfway through his strawberry and nutella crepe. Junmyeon’s crepe is banana, but he has similar feelings.

“I feel like I should have asked your girlfriend’s permission to share this experience with you,” Junmyeon jokes.

Baekhyun’s snort is a shade of bitter and Junmyeon eyes him carefully. Maybe he and Taeyeon had broken up? He was just talking about her on the plane, though. They have plans to meet up after this trip. Before Junmyeon can open his mouth to ask—what, he has no idea, but winging it seems to be the theme of this trip—Baekhyun beats him to it.

“My appointment is at noon,” Baekhyun says casually. “It’s downtown, so we should get a cab soon.”

“Appointment?” Junmyeon immediately switches to panic mode, his previous bewilderment morphing into concern. “Are you sick? Is that why you brought me all the way here? Telling me you’re dying with nutella on your face is the worst aesthetic ever. I’ll never be able to eat it again.”

Baekhyun laughs out loud. “I’m not _dying_ , hyung! Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Good, ’cause there are perfectly good doctors in Korea,” Junmyeon mutters, trying to ignore the rapid-fire beating of his heart.

“I have a problem,” Baekhyun says, staring at the painted wicker in the little table between them. “One I can’t get help for in Korea.”

“What kind of problem?” Junmyeon presses. “What can I do to make it easier for you?”

Baekhyun looks up at him with grateful eyes beneath the fringe. “It’s awkward to talk about and I’m already gonna have to talk about it with the doctor so can you please wait? I’m not sick or dying or anything serious, I promise. I want you there with me when I talk about it.”

“Okay,” Junmyeon agrees. “I’ll wait. Thank you for trusting me with whatever this is.”

“I was gonna come alone, but…” Baekhyun offers a small smile that is somehow brighter than any grin illuminated by stage lights. “I don’t think I could share personal stuff like this with a stranger on my own. I need my leader by my side in order to be strong.”

Junmyeon knows he’s blushing and doesn’t really care. “I’ll be by your side whenever you need me. Now wipe your face before that dries. You look like a five-year-old on the playground.”

The idol grin returns and Junmyeon’s both relieved and disappointed at the same time. Serious Baekhyun is such a rarity that Junmyeon cherishes the few times he gets to see it, while silly carefree Baekhyun is so _normal_ that it makes him feel less like he’s been dropped in the middle of the Hunger Games arena.

Junmyeon can’t read the words on the building where Baekhyun takes them, but Baekhyun seems to be able to navigate his way well enough. Junmyeon’s English isn’t horrible, so he picks up a few familiar words on the signs along with some questionable ones. What kind of doctor’s office is this?

Even being in an internationally famous boyband doesn’t excuse them from waiting for close to twenty minutes, Baekhyun fidgeting the whole time. Baekhyun usually fidgets, but this is definitely out of nerves. Junmyeon grabs his hand, calming him with a slow rub of his thumb along Baekhyun’s knuckles and Baekhyun tightens his fingers so much that Junmyeon stares at him in disbelief. He’s _never_ seen Baekhyun this uncertain before in his life.

“Baekhyun Byun?” the receptionist calls out, butchering his name in the way that only an American can. “Dr. Kim will see you now.”

“You dragged me all the way to California to see a _Korean_ doctor?!” Junmyeon asks.

“Korean-Americans have made incredible advancements in this country, you know,” Baekhyun tells him sarcastically. “We’re almost recognized as a separate Asian race here.”

“Okay, smartass,” Junmyeon mutters, but Baekhyun’s considerably less twitchy when he’s snickering and Junmyeon figures that Baekhyun can make fun of his cultural ignorance all he wants.

Dr. Kim’s office is warm and inviting, all leather couches and relaxing artwork. It reminds Junmyeon of the psychologist offices he sees on TV, leading his worries to shift from terminal medical diseases to mental illness. Is Baekhyun depressed? Is he hurting himself? How long has he suffered and didn’t tell anyone?

“Byun Baekhyun-sshi, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” a voice sounds from the doorway, speaking fluent Korean, and Junmyeon’s head nearly swivels right off of his neck as he sees a woman strolling in.

“Women can be doctors now too!” Baekhyun stage-whispers and Junmyeon frowns, praying that she hadn’t heard him.

“I just didn’t expect…” Junmyeon folds his arms and tries not to pout.

“I have signed the confidentially agreement with your company and reviewed the file from your general practitioner,” Dr. Kim goes on. Her voice is professional but soothing, her face friendly. If Junmyeon had to pinpoint her age, he’d say mid-30s, but she has a very youthful smile. “I know we spoke a little bit on the phone and over email, but I’m going to ask you to start from the beginning. The more you speak, the more your thoughts might piece themselves together in your own mind.”

Junmyeon had never actually let go of Baekhyun’s hand and squeezes it now, trying to give him strength. He’s almost shaking from his own worry, but he needs to be strong for Baekhyun now.

“I don’t enjoy sex anymore,” Baekhyun blurts out. “It’s ruining my relationship.”

Junmyeon blinks, finally making sense of all the questionable words he’d recognized on the way here. ‘Sex’ is the first English word Korean boys throw around as kids, though it had more letters at the end of it on Dr. Kim’s door.

“When did you notice this change?” Dr. Kim asks.

“About six months after we got together,” Baekhyun answers, staring at his lap. “We’re both idols so we rarely had time to ourselves. Whenever we did, we’d always have sex. _Always_ , even when I wanted to do something else.”

Dr. Kim nods. “What happened when you said you didn’t want to do it?”

“She accused me of not having feelings for her. That I was getting it elsewhere, using her for her popularity, really hurtful things. It made me upset and we’d argue.”

“And why do you think that way?” Dr. Kim asks, but now she’s looking at Junmyeon.

“What?” he squeaks out. “It’s not me!”

Baekhyun bursts out laughing, nearly falling off of the couch. “ _God_ no, I’m not dating Junmyeon-hyung!”

“Don’t say that like it would be the worst thing ever,” Junmyeon grumbles as he turns to gape at Dr. Kim. “Do I really look like a girl to you?”

“I specialize in gender and sexuality therapy,” Dr. Kim answers with a smile. “I don’t assume anyone’s identity.”

Junmyeon stares at her and Baekhyun pats him on the back. “Please excuse him. He’s not very up to date on 21st-century social issues.”

“If you’re going to make fun of me, I’m leaving,” Junmyeon threatens, but he’s positive he’s fooling no one.

“Okay, okay, I’m paying by the hour here.” Baekhyun sits rigid in his seat as he inhales sharply. “I think there’s something wrong with me because guys should enjoy sex, right? Especially with hot women like my girlfriend. I really love her a lot, but I would honestly rather do anything else than have sex with her when we’re together.”

“Are you having physical problems?” Dr. Kim asks. “Unable to achieve or maintain an erection?”

“No, all of that works just fine.” Baekhyun sighs. “I just find myself wanting it to be over quickly so we can do other things.”

“Ouch,” Junmyeon mutters, then cringes when they both turn to glare at him. “Sorry.”

“In a way, I think I’ve always felt like that about sex,” Baekhyun goes on. “When I was younger, we would just do it to do it, but it was never anything long-lasting or a declaration of feelings. Taeyeon-noona is my first proper girlfriend, so I didn’t know that wasn’t normal until she started complaining to me when I wasn’t into it. ‘Don’t guys want to do it all the time’ and stuff.”

“When you first emailed me,” Dr. Kim begins, shuffling through her papers to find the one she’s looking for, “you were rather adamant about denying the ‘asexual’ label. Why is that?”

“I still experience sexual attraction,” Baekhyun answers. “I think about it a lot. I just don’t want to do it _all the time_. It gets repetitive…and boring.”

This time Junmyeon keeps his reaction to himself. He’s certainly never heard those words out of any man’s mouth before. Hell, Junmyeon can count on one hand how many times he’s been laid in his life, but he still considers it an integral part of a relationship. He will definitely support Baekhyun no matter what, but he can’t help but feel sorry for Taeyeon right now.

“There is a form of asexuality called autochoris,” Dr. Kim says. “This is where the person feels sexual attraction only in fantasy or fictional situations. It’s on the asexual spectrum along with grey-asexual, which is where the person feels sexual attraction but sparingly.”

“I don’t _want_ to be asexual,” Baekhyun grumbles. “I don’t want to accept that this is how it’s going to be forever. I want to be normal. Give me medicine, testosterone supplements or something.”

“You don’t need more testosterone,” Dr. Kim tells him. “You had very extensive bloodwork done in Korea and everything is normal. You are the healthiest person I have ever treated.”

Baekhyun pouts. “You’re not treating me, though. You’re telling me I’m stuck like this. I’m gonna get dumped by the hottest woman in Korea because I’m abnormal.”

“Baekhyun-sshi, if you wanted sexual enhancement drugs, you didn’t have to fly to the States to get them.” She gives him a knowing look. “I’d really like you to try and open your mind and objectively look at this situation from an outside perspective. Maybe try thinking of what you would do if she were the one who felt this way?”

“I’d be _thrilled_ if she didn’t want to do it,” Baekhyun says bitterly. “I would literally do anything else with her. Skydive if she wanted to. I’m terrified of heights, but I would do it. I want her to be happy, and I want to be the one to make her happy, but I can’t do that without upsetting myself.”

“Forget about her,” Junmyeon jumps in. “She’s not allowed to speak badly of you because we work for the same agency. There’s nothing she can do to ruin your reputation if you break up.”

“I don’t want to break up!” Baekhyun practically yells. He drops Junmyeon’s hand abruptly, leaving Junmyeon’s palm very sweaty and cold. “That is why I’m here! You said you could help me, Dr. Kim. _Please_ help me. I will pay you anything you want.”

“Your money cannot change who you are.” Dr. Kim looks at Baekhyun fondly, like this admission makes her sad. “I talk to people every day who hate who they are, whether it’s because they’re a woman trapped in a man’s body or because they are attracted to the same gender—or no one. I can help you by helping you accept yourself.”

“Why isn’t Taeyeon-noona here with you?” Junmyeon asks suddenly. “She should be here, right?”

“She didn’t want to come,” Baekhyun mutters. “She just told me to do whatever it takes to fix my problem so we can have a normal relationship where I want her as much as she wants me.”

Dr. Kim purses her lips and Junmyeon feels like he knows exactly what she’s thinking: that’s not possible given what Baekhyun has said so far. And now that Junmyeon has heard Baekhyun’s side of the story, he’s actually disappointed with Taeyeon’s behavior. If she really cared about him, she would make the effort to understand him, right? Unless she only cares about sex?

“Dr. Kim, these people you treat who aren’t attracted to anyone…” Baekhyun pauses to swallow. “Do they ever have successful relationships with normal people?”

“Your first step is disassociating sexual behavior with the word ‘normal’,” Dr. Kim replies. “And the answer is yes. But their partners have to be willing to compromise and often go without that intimate connection they require. To those I’ve spoken to, they claim that they love their person enough to find that connection in other non-sexual ways.”

“Taeyeon-noona doesn’t love me,” Baekhyun whispers. “If she did, she would want to be with me no matter what.”

“I think your Taeyeon-sshi just has different priorities than you do,” Dr. Kim says gently. “It’s just like when some people want children and others don’t. Dog people versus cat people. Sometimes compromises can be made, but sometimes one person simply refuses to give in.”

“Do you think we should break up?” Baekhyun asks, looking at the doctor with big, glossy eyes.

“I think you should do what you think is healthy for yourself. If this relationship is stressing you out and making you hate yourself, and she is absolutely unwilling to work with you, then yes, I think you should break up.”

Junmyeon raises his eyebrows at the boldness of American psychologists. Baekhyun looks like he’s about to cry, biting his lip to contain himself. This can’t be easy for him. Taeyeon is a force to be reckoned with. She can’t go on record with his business, but she can make it so that nobody in SM will want to work with him or respect him. She has much more power than he does.

But she’s also not a heartless bitch, and the few times Junmyeon has interacted with her she seemed to really care about Baekhyun. Junmyeon wonders if she’s as torn up about this as he is, if Baekhyun’s just making her out to be the bad guy to make him feel better about himself, if she’s not as frustrated about being sexual as he is for not.

“I think you should talk to her,” Junmyeon volunteers his opinion once again, but this time Dr. Kim smiles at him. “If you’ve only told her that you think something is wrong with you, then that’s what she will think too. If you tell her that this is how you are, she might react differently.”

Baekhyun frowns. “I don’t want to be this way, hyung. I want to be normal.”

“I have homework for you, should you decide to accept my treatment,” Dr. Kim says. “Your first assignment is to list 10 things that you find intimate. They should be things you would not do with your friends or family. If your girlfriend wants to help, she can make a list too. Hopefully there will be a few things on there that will overlap.”

“Sex is only one thing,” Baekhyun says, sounding hopeful. “I can do that. Thank you.”

“We can have Skype sessions once a week, dependent on your schedule,” Dr. Kim goes on. “Or you can send me emails. I really want to help you, Baekhyun-sshi, but you have to want to help yourself. I cannot ‘fix’ you because there is nothing wrong with you. My goal in treating you is for you to accept that.”

Baekhyun nods. “I will try. It’s hard to think in terms of how I feel being normal, though. I mean, I practically sell sex for a living. I’m supposed to make people sexualize me but they can’t really have me. I like that feeling.”

“If you didn’t, you’d be a pretty crappy idol.” Dr. Kim laughs. “Here in the States, our pop culture is so saturated with sex and romance that it’s practically forcing our small ace-spectrum population into hiding. It’s one thing to fantasize, as you mentioned earlier, but both men and women are expected to be sexually open in their own relationships and it’s become a stigma. Be grateful you live in Korea where there is still some sense of modesty, even in the entertainment industry.”

“I am very grateful to live in Korea,” Baekhyun says indignantly. “I just wish they had doctors like you there.”

“Me too.” Dr. Kim smiles warmly. “Is there anything else you want to talk about while you’re here? I’d hate to keep you cooped up inside on such a beautiful day. Do you have time to sight-see at all?”

“We’re flying back tomorrow,” Baekhyun replies sadly. “We’re in the middle of a tour. And I had thought we might go look around this afternoon, but I’m exhausted. I don’t sleep well on planes.”

“You have had a rather emotional day,” Dr. Kim tells him. “I imagine the hours leading up to this appointment weren’t that comfortable either. I hope I helped put you at ease, at the very least.”

“You did. You’re great.” Baekhyun gives her that small, real smile of his. “Thank you.”

Junmyeon bows in parting and follows Baekhyun outside into the daylight, a little dazed from the last hour of Baekhyun’s private business. He’s not going to be the one to bring it up, especially when Baekhyun crawls right into bed the minute they get back to the hotel. Junmyeon amuses himself with American TV for a bit, checks some emails and evasively responds to texts (“You got married didn’t you!!!” Sehun had sent with a frowny face).

“Hyung.”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

Junmyeon tosses his phone to the side and rolls his head to look at the curled-up lump in the other bed. “You’re welcome, Baekhyunnie.”

“Will you help me tell the others?” Baekhyun asks, his voice a little muffled by the covers. “I really just…want people on my side.”

“Of course I will.” Junmyeon smiles even though Baekhyun can’t see it. “And I’ll kick their asses if they give you any trouble.”

“You’re not gonna kick anyone’s ass.”

“Probably not. But I’ll think about it.”

“Hyung?”

“Yes?”

“Will you come lie with me?”

It takes a lot of effort to get up after sitting for so long, but Baekhyun usually gets what he wants from Junmyeon. The flight had taken its toll on Junmyeon as well, hitting him hard right when he slips in next to Baekhyun.

Instantly he has pink hair in his face, arms wrapped around his torso. For a second he actually thinks Baekhyun is about to cry on him, but all he feels is a deep breath that seems to take over Baekhyun’s entire body. Junmyeon wonders how long Baekhyun had needed to breathe like that.

“I have a question about this whole…asexual thing,” Junmyeon starts, choosing his words carefully.

“Yes, I still jerk off,” Baekhyun volunteers. “Like I said, everything works just fine.”

“Not my question, but good to know, thanks.” Junmyeon laughs when Baekhyun scoffs into his sternum. “How do you know you like someone as more than a friend if you don’t want to have sex with them?”

“I want to be close to them,” Baekhyun answers. “Kissing and cuddling and stuff. Like obviously I do that with you guys, but the feeling is different. There is also all the effort that comes with maintaining a relationship—I want to make that effort. And I’m really interested in knowing more about them, making them happy, and being their most important person.”

“That all sounds really nice,” Junmyeon says quietly. “Seems like you’ve really thought this out.”

“Taeyeon-noona asked me the exact same question when I first told her my problem.”

Junmyeon squeezes him tightly. “I hope it works out between you two.”

“Me too, hyung. I love her so much. It hurts when she pushes me away because I don’t want to touch her like that.”

“If it doesn’t work out, that just means you’ll find someone better who understands you and deserves all of the amazing things Byun Baekhyun has to offer.”

“There are a lot of amazing things, aren’t there?”

Junmyeon rolls his eyes. “Modesty is not one of them.”

“Thanks, hyung. You’re the best.”

“That’s why you brought me,” Junmyeon says. He hugs Baekhyun hard enough to hopefully make all the bad things go away, if just for a little while.


End file.
